I met my husband when things were at their lowest. I was struggling greatly with anxiety and depression. Two things I was not ready for, nor was I used to dealing with them. The stress of school and being away from home must have been the trigger and I had always had some anxiety, but nothing like this. I lost interest in school; I became disengaged from my friends and roommates. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide form the world. I even began losing my faith in God. For any of you who have felt that, I am truly sorry. It is a feeling I would not wish upon my worst enemies. People did their best to try to talk to me and sympathize with me, but I really didn't want any of it. I wanted to shut everyone out. I did get some help, but medication didn't work, talk therapy did nothing and I was beginning to feel helpless. Just when things started to get really bad, something truly incredible happened. A boy took the time to notice me. My roommate invited me over to dinner at her Aunt's house where Taylor was living at the time. I decided to go and had a normal evening. I secretly hoped Taylor would be there since I had seen pictures of him and thought he was just the most handsome guy ever. Well he was. He invited me to play some pool afterwards. I was terrible mind you, but he smiled and told me I was doing fine. He offered to drive us home and that was it. Just a normal evening and I thought I would never see him again. Then, that next week at Family Home Evening, he called me. I missed his call the first time and his sister, my roommate, came running down the stairs telling me to answer my phone the next time it rang. Well, it did ring just like she said and I was so confused, but I answered. Taylor introduced himself as my roommate's sister and quickly corrected himself saying he was her brother. I laughed and thought it was the cutest thing ever. No guy had ever been so nervous to ask me out. I didn't even think he noticed me. The shy girl, who hung her head, folded her arms across her chest and tried not to be noticed. He did though and that night we first met, he had texted his sister asking for my number.
We went on our first date that weekend and 3 more dates within the next week. I knew I wanted to marry him by the second week. Crazy, I know! But, I just knew. This was the man I would marry, start a family with and live happily with for the rest of my life. So, as I said before we got married and it is the best thing that ever happened to me. After our first date, there was a night and day difference in me, or so I'm told. My therapist asked what changed and I looked confused, she said I was significantly happier and there was something different. I guess Taylor was the only antidepressant I needed. ;) That isn't to say I haven't had days of doubt and anger and the road back to who I was, was long and hard. Taylor was there the whole way though. He dragged me out of bed in the mornings and held me when my anxiety was just too much. Even today, when my depression gets bad and I start hating myself or telling him how he deserves so much more, he looks me in the eyes and tells me I'm perfect and that he loves me. I can't tell you how it feels to have someone look at you and see all your problems and shortcomings, but still have so much love for you. I don't know what would have happened to me if this incredible man hadn't come along or if I would be here today, but he rescued me when I was drowning and for that, I owe him my world.
I will never live a life without the affects of depression or anxiety and that makes me so angry sometimes. I look up to the heavens and ask why me? Why did I have to endure this? It is too hard and I just can't do it anymore. Then, I see my sweet husband and remember my freshman year when I didn't want to live anymore and God sent me an angel to pick me back up and remind me how much He loves me. I see his love every day in my husband's eyes and I am reminded that there is a reason and I may never know exactly why this life was chosen for me, but I am grateful he sent me his angel to help me every day for the rest of my life.
Anne C. Pingree in her talk, “Making Weak Things Become Strong,” in the Dec. 2004 Ensign said, “Sometimes, in spite of all we do to ‘make weak things
become strong,’ the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, does not take away our
weakness. The Apostle Paul struggled throughout his life with ‘a thorn in the
flesh,’ which he said served to humble him ‘lest [he] should be exalted above
measure’ (2 Corinthians 12:7). Three times Paul asked the Lord to take away his
weakness, and three times the Lord declined to do so. The Lord then explained
that His grace was sufficient for Paul and that, in fact, His strength was
actually ‘made perfect in weakness.’ Then Paul wrote, ‘Most gladly therefore
will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon
me.’ …
“Like Paul, we can find positive meaning in weaknesses that
are not taken away. Surely nothing is quite as humbling as having a weakness
that we cannot overcome but must continue to struggle with throughout our life.
Such a weakness teaches us, in a very personal way, that after all we can do we
must rely on the grace of Christ to make up the difference.
“As we humbly submit our will to the Lord’s, we find that
our weaknesses can indeed become sources of strength if we put our trust in
Him.”
I am working on making my weaknesses strengths and that will be a life long goal. I am still working on getting out of bed each day. Some days are worse than others and admitting that I am not perfect may be the hardest part, but God is working on me every day. He is shaping me into someone I could never be on my own. I love this life despite, or even because of my struggles. I am finding out who I really am and I am finding out how much God really loves me. Every morning I wake up to my best friend and every day he reminds why I chose to marry him for time and all eternity.
Thank you for sharing this! :) Eric has often told me that I am the only drug he needs and is addicted to. It is amazing how much joy and hope we find in our spouses. So grateful we have them for eternity.
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