Making Weak Things Become Strong

So, I have not posted in a very long time.... Life kind of went crazy after my first semester at BYU.  I met the love of my life.  He proposed to me on New Year's Eve and I got to kiss him for the first time at Midnight, which was so perfect:) We got married 4 months later and have now been happily married for almost 10 months! It's crazy how time flies when you're in love.  My hubby will finish school and we will start work this summer.  It's so exciting to leave school behind and begin our lives out in the real world.  I love BYU, but I am very excited to begin this new adventure together.  I never expected my life would end up this way, but I can't imagine a better way. 

 I met my husband when things were at their lowest.  I was struggling greatly with anxiety and depression.  Two things I was not ready for, nor was I used to dealing with them.  The stress of school and being away from home must have been the trigger and I had always had some anxiety, but nothing like this.  I lost interest in school; I became disengaged from my friends and roommates.  I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide form the world.  I even began losing my faith in God.  For any of you who have felt that, I am truly sorry.  It is a feeling I would not wish upon my worst enemies.  People did their best to try to talk to me and sympathize with me, but I really didn't want any of it.  I wanted to shut everyone out.  I did get some help, but medication didn't work, talk therapy did nothing and I was beginning to feel helpless.  Just when things started to get really bad, something truly incredible happened.  A boy took the time to notice me.  My roommate invited me over to dinner at her Aunt's house where Taylor was living at the time.  I decided to go and had a normal evening.  I secretly hoped Taylor would be there since I had seen pictures of him and thought he was just the most handsome guy ever.  Well he was.  He invited me to play some pool afterwards.  I was terrible mind you, but he smiled and told me I was doing fine.  He offered to drive us home and that was it.  Just a normal evening and I thought I would never see him again.  Then, that next week at Family Home Evening, he called me.  I missed his call the first time and his sister, my roommate, came running down the stairs telling me to answer my phone the next time it rang.  Well, it did ring just like she said and I was so confused, but I answered.  Taylor introduced himself as my roommate's sister and quickly corrected himself saying he was her brother.  I laughed and thought it was the cutest thing ever.  No guy had ever been so nervous to ask me out.  I didn't even think he noticed me.  The shy girl, who hung her head, folded her arms across her chest and tried not to be noticed.  He did though and that night we first met, he had texted his sister asking for my number.  

We went on our first date that weekend and 3 more dates within the next week.  I knew I wanted to marry him by the second week.  Crazy, I know! But, I just knew.  This was the man I would marry, start a family with and live happily with for the rest of my life.  So, as I said before we got married and it is the best thing that ever happened to me.  After our first date, there was a night and day difference in me, or so I'm told.  My therapist asked what changed and I looked confused, she said I was significantly happier and there was something different.  I guess Taylor was the only antidepressant I needed. ;) That isn't to say I haven't had days of doubt and anger and the road back to who I was, was long and hard.  Taylor was there the whole way though.  He dragged me out of bed in the mornings and held me when my anxiety was just too much.  Even today, when my depression gets bad and I start hating myself or telling him how he deserves so much more, he looks me in the eyes and tells me I'm perfect and that he loves me.  I can't tell you how it feels to have someone look at you and see all your problems and shortcomings, but still have so much love for you. I don't know what would have happened to me if this incredible man hadn't come along or if I would be here today, but he rescued me when I was drowning and for that, I owe him my world.  

I will never live a life without the affects of depression or anxiety and that makes me so angry sometimes.  I look up to the heavens and ask why me?  Why did I have to endure this?  It is too hard and I just can't do it anymore.  Then, I see my sweet husband and remember my freshman year when I didn't want to live anymore and God sent me an angel to pick me back up and remind me how much He loves me.  I see his love every day in my husband's eyes and I am reminded that there is a reason and I may never know exactly why this life was chosen for me, but I am grateful he sent me his angel to help me every day for the rest of my life. 

Anne C. Pingree in her talk, “Making Weak Things Become Strong,”  in the Dec. 2004 Ensign said, “Sometimes, in spite of all we do to ‘make weak things become strong,’ the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, does not take away our weakness. The Apostle Paul struggled throughout his life with ‘a thorn in the flesh,’ which he said served to humble him ‘lest [he] should be exalted above measure’ (2 Corinthians 12:7). Three times Paul asked the Lord to take away his weakness, and three times the Lord declined to do so. The Lord then explained that His grace was sufficient for Paul and that, in fact, His strength was actually ‘made perfect in weakness.’ Then Paul wrote, ‘Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.’ …

“Like Paul, we can find positive meaning in weaknesses that are not taken away. Surely nothing is quite as humbling as having a weakness that we cannot overcome but must continue to struggle with throughout our life. Such a weakness teaches us, in a very personal way, that after all we can do we must rely on the grace of Christ to make up the difference.

“As we humbly submit our will to the Lord’s, we find that our weaknesses can indeed become sources of strength if we put our trust in Him.”

I am working on making my weaknesses strengths and that will be a life long goal.  I am still working on getting out of bed each day.  Some days are worse than others and admitting that I am not perfect may be the hardest part, but God is working on me every day.  He is shaping me into someone I could never be on my own.  I love this life despite, or even because of my struggles.  I am finding out who I really am and I am finding out how much God really loves me.  Every morning I wake up to my best friend and every day he reminds why I chose to marry him for time and all eternity.  

Turkey Day!!

I absolutely love the holiday season! My parents drove up yesterday and took my brother and I skiing! It was incredible for preseason snow.  It was a tad bit icy and I had a hard time skiing down the slopes at first, but I found out that after 3 and 1/2 years of not skiing, I've still got it :) I may not be as good as my parents, but I'm getting there! I am exhausted though.  Skiing keeps you in shape! I was glad to ski, but I'm not going to lie, finally taking off all my snow gear afterwards felt great.  I can't wait for the rest of the mountain resorts to open up and ski on some fresh powder! :) Maybe I will survive the snow!

Today was incredible! I slept in until about 11 after my intense day yesterday and then my dad picked me up and took me to my cousins house for Thanksgiving.  I played with all my little cousins before lunch and loved it.  We jumped on the trampoline and had tickle fights galore.  Then, the food was ready and we feasted! The food was so freaking good! I was full after only one plate, but I made room for chocolate pie and pumpkin cheese cake! My family bonded and it was great.  We are all currently either on a computer or looking through ads for Black Friday! I love this! We'll all be staying up all night and then shopping for all the good deals. I can't wait! Although I must admit, I miss Taylor, but being with my family is what I needed more than anything! I am so blessed to have them!

Finding Joy During Trials

My time here seems to both be flying by and dragging on.  I have recently met an incredible young man and couldn't be happier, but my grades are another story.  It's harder than I would've expected here at BYU.  The more I think about it though, the more I remember, everyone here was the top of their class.  Everyone here had amazing grades, did hundreds of hours of service and worked extremely hard to make it to where they are now.  I just don't want to let people down.  However, despite my struggles, God still reminds me I am loved.  Taylor stopped by today and brought me Jamba Juice because he knew I was sick and then had his sister drop me off soup, ice cream and hot chocolate.  It was the sweetest thing ever and it brightened my day.  I also find myself feeling down at times and my brother will call and talk to me and cheer me up or a much needed phone call from my cousin Kaylyn always puts a big smile on my face.  I guess what I'm learning is, life will always present challenges, but I just have to remember that God loves me and wants me to succeed.  There's a reason for everything that happens, and it's not always easy to accept it, but it is worth it to always trust in God.  As it says in Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths."

Also, Thanksgiving is coming up! My parents are driving up to visit me and my brother, since my lucky little sister gets to go to Hawaii for marching band! I'm so excited to see them though! It's amazing how much you miss your parents once you move out! But I can't wait to show them how much I've learned and grown up.  Hopefully they'll agree with me when I say I've grown up! :p I also can't wait for the delicious Thanksgiving dinner! Ah, it's going to be so yummy compared to my cheap meals I normally eat! Overall, life is good.  Hard? Yes! Worth it? Of course!

First Snow of the Season

I'm an Arizona girl through and through.  My idea of winter is just cold enough to need a jacket, but not so cold that your limbs will freeze and fall off if you don't.  That is the cold I experienced today.  I woke up at 8, and quickly got ready for class at 9.  I left the apartment and my hair was still soaking wet. The cold air engulfed me within a few seconds of stepping outside my door.  Water was building up everywhere, so by the time I reached the JKB, I was soaked.

 I thought to myself, "Utah, you must hate me."  Trigonometry passed and I slowly warmed up.  I went to Book of Mormon, my engineering seminar and then decided i needed a toasted Subway sandwich to warm me up.  I walked back to my apartment and my face felt like the frozen chicken most of my meals consist of (my cooking skills=fail).  I bundled up and began studying and trying to warm myself up.

Snow on the mountain seemed to say, "this is what's coming for you" and I shuddered at the thought.  Then, to my dismay little foreign white specks began to fall outside.  I was desperately hoping it was still rain, but alas, snow.  Cold, wet, snow.  Don't get me wrong, snow can be amazing and it is beautiful, but this early in the year? I mean, back home, in October, people can still get away with wearing shorts.  I went to my next class after an eventful trip to the creamery where I purchased delicious Root Beer.  The creamery has so many hidden treats.  I always find just what I need to raise my spirits.  Nutrition was just great today.  I immersed myself in the lecture and tried to ignore the shivers and goosebumps that I couldn't seem to rid myself of.  We learned about Vitamins and my professor started talking about different lifestyles and ways of eating and how we can still get all our nutrients.  He told us about a girl who tried to eat just fruit for 3 days.  He followed it up by saying in a chuckle, "she didn't make it."  Then looking at the horrified looks on our faces, he quickly responded, "Oh, she didn't die!"  I love my professor.  His enthusiasm has sparked my interest in Nutrition.  Not to mention, the man is hilarious.  I was sad to see the time on the clock, 5:45.  Class was over and the bitter Utah air was calling my name.  I zipped up my jacket and headed back home.  However, as I looked at the beautiful lighting from the overcast sky and the snow that lightly coated the towering mountains ahead of me, I began to love the weather.  Well... maybe love is to strong.  I was able to tolerate it a little more.

It's new and it's going to take some getting used to, but my life here is just the same.  It's new and foreign, just like those little flecks of snow that fell on me, but if I prepare myself and see the good in it, i can learn to love it.  At least, I'm praying I can view it that way.  It tries my faith and patience every time I leave the testing center or forget an assignment or simply just have an off day, but I know I'm here for a reason.  I don't know why yet, but the first snowfall of the season has reminded me that I can do this.  Everyone was just as cold as I was, but they pushed on through.  I keep looking for that illusive perfect college experience.  I have learned, it doesn't exist, but our actions and experiences make it special for us.  You get out of college what you put in.  With the help of my roommates, I'm willing to face the rest of this year.  I may be off to a rocky start, but my hope is renewed thanks to the first snow fall of the season.

Dinner to Satisfy Even the Hungriest College Student! :D

I, being a poor college student look forward very much to Sunday dinners at my cousin's house.  This Sunday especially.  I was getting so tired of rice, so the idea of grilled chicken, mango salsa and a variety of fruits and veggies sent my taste buds tingling!  I got there and was met by smiling and welcome faces of all my cousins.  They are all older than myself, so they have beautiful families.  Their children range in age from newborns to 14 year olds.  I love chasing my little cousins around, getting in tickle fights, pushing them on swings until my arms get tired and best of all, getting hugs from every single one of them.  I love my family up here dearly.  They make college life on my own a little more bearable. We spent the whole night in their backyard.  It's so beautiful this time of year.

Their backyard is the mountain.  I love it.  I can't wait to sled down it in the winter!  They are spending as much time as they can out here while the weather is still so nice. 

The flowers bloom in their gorgeous garden and if you're lucky, you'll spot a deer curiously approaching in search of food.  I guess it's not so lucky for their garden, but I love it. 

Tonight's conversation took an unexpected turn.  My cousin Becca's brother, Seth, has decided he is going to set me up on dates since guys at BYU are just not asking girls on dates.   With most of my cousins married, I guess I'm next or so they say.  My little cousin Kaitlyn asked me on the car ride, "Christina, when are you going to get married?!"  I laughed and was surprised, but her mom, Becky, saved me from having to answer.  She replied that I had a few years to go.  I was laughing so hard.  I love little children's directness and curiosity.  It always allows the most interesting conversations.  I can't wait for the next dinner.  Hopefully my brother will be there with his beautiful wife. Until then, I must come back to reality and finish my homework that has piled up on my desk.

Discovering New Oceans

I have always been intrigued by blogs, but I have never been brave enough to create my own.  Well, my wonderful roommate has finally convinced me to do so.  I named this blog "Discovering New Oceans" because of my favorite quote.  "You can't discover new oceans unless you have courage to loose sight of the shore."  Well, that is exactly what I'm doing.  I'm on my own for the first time, in a new city and state and I'm letting go of everything that tied me down before.  I'm venturing into the unknown and to be honest, I'm terrified.  This is my first year at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah.  I have already been here for a semester over the Summer.  So, when all the moms and dads were saying their tearful goodbyes, mine were back home.  We'd already exchanged our sentimental farewells last semester, so this move into my new dorms was nothing new.  I'm settled in and already over a month has passed.  Time is flying and I can hardly keep up.  My roommate and I get along better than I could have dreamed.  We're both nutty and crazy when tired and have the same affinity towards sugar, which means our daily trips to the gym are that much more needed.

Life is getting easier.  I am an undergraduate, majoring in Civil Engineering.  My grandfather, father, uncle, cousins and multiple other family members are civil engineers as well.  I guess it runs in my blood.   A love for math however, does not.  I have been told that as long as I stick it out, I won't ever have to use Calculus again in my chosen career.  I am desperately hoping this is true or I am in trouble.  I do, despite my distaste for math, love engineering.  It is so fascinating to me.  I have always wanted to discover new things and getting into the green movement is calling my name.  I am intimidated by what lies beyond college, but I'm ready to take on the challenges life hands me.  College has its ups and downs, but the positive things make the hard moments worth it.  I hope I can press forward and have courage to loose sight of the shore.